3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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