Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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