Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
