Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
