You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
