he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
