Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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