rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
