Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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