Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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