Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
