Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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