i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
