atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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