I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
