I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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