i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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