i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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