So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
