How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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