this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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