The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You're a waste of cheezeits
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
