woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
