so explain again why im purple
no
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
