I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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