Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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