I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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