just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
