dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
