I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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