i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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