Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
