ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
