i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Of course I have a pirate flag
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
