I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
