3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
