there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
