Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
