I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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