he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You need a sexual gate keeper
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
