answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
