Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
