I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
