what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
