I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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