i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
