So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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