You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
