I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
