No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
so let's talk penis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
