I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Randomize
