meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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