I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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