I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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