don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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