happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
