dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
