you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
