I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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