I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
