I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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