At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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